"Hit Theory"

Jake Millions to Cardi B + Offset: “I’ll Pay Your Baby Momma’s Bills, It’s All Love.”

Controversy and speculation only continue to swirl as celebrity couple Offset + Cardi B, A.K.A. B-set, continue to flail in their attempts to convince the general public their connection is real. Offset–a man pre-eminently known for his nature as a serial cheater, knows full well he is undeserving of Cardi B, yet Cardi B herself only diminishes her own status by sticking up for her underserving man-crutch–Offset. Bizarre? Sick? A sign of our times? You tell us!! Take a look at B-set‘s “Clout” video below. We think it reeks of desperation. Do you?

In the context of the underwhelming clinging to the underserving, surely “B-set” is the celebrity supercouple nickname that befits this clown act the most. Though the doomed couple have been doing their best to convince the public of their fidelity, few have been moved. Just take a look at HotNewHipHop’s thread on the matter, and you’ll see the little folk are having a field day shredding the fuck out of B-set:

But neither a celebrity as fickle as Offet or as succesful as Cardi B need despair. Earthbound galactic hyper-star Jake Millions is coming to both Cardi’s and Offset’s rescue: “I’d pay your baby momma’s bills,” said Jake Millions, “You get to do your thing, while Cardi gets to fuck with some real talent. It’s a win-win. It’s all love.”

Amazingly, it’s not an offer the Migos frontman has taken kindly to. In defence of his manhood, Offset has promised a “less-than feeble diss-track,” appropriate to both his love of Cardi, and his full ability as a rapper.

Though rumours have it Cardi B could be down for a caper, especially after chiming in that “yeah I used to drug dudes for money,” it’s unclear whether she is trying to upgrade from her current closet-full-of-skeletons beau in order to upgrade her lamentable celebrity couple name “B-set” to something more appealing like “Ca-Millions“, or if she is just trying to unmistakably cement her record as a heartless she-demon willing to betray, lie and steal to get to the top–AKA–a perfect modern role-model complete with all the female complexity, utter lack of morals, and delicious killer instinct the social media world craves and demands.

Heart-rending and real as these admissions have been, the twitterverse has responded to Cardi B’s admission of drugging and raping people to rob them quite predictably–with the popularization of the #SurvivingCardiB hashtag, though it’s hardly noticeable in this age of the 6th great extinction.

Is it fair? Would telling the men getting robbed by a prostitute they were idiots be victim-shaming, or just common sense? Would this situation even exist were there legal prostitution or a culture that loves heroes instead of gutter trash? Beautiful, pathetic, emblematic, B-set surely are a sign of our morally convoluted times…